Living in The Now
She has always been my favorite aunt. As far back as I can remember at one time or another she has come to my rescue when I needed saving. She’s done for me what my own mother couldn’t and still I found myself at odds with her throughout the years. The first time feeding off of he say, she say, rumors; I found myself feeling betrayed by my aunt causing me to let go of the relationship. We were estranged for one year and three weeks without any contact with one another.
Once we reconciled the relationship it was a little awkward at first however in no time we were back in the rhythm of our closeness like we had never been apart. Funny how life has a way of falling into order, because during the time of that reconciliation my Grams died and my aunt was right there to comfort me through the tremendous pain I felt. The relationship with my aunt grew closer then ever during my time of mourning for my Grams.
Our relationship grew over the years and we came to depend on each other; when I experienced a life altering transition my aunt was there to help me pick up the pieces. The bond we shared was built on sincere trust and respect for each other. Although I knew that we had each other’s back, I now realize that my standards were pretty high; I was not very flexible concerning the things I felt were personal betrayals. I had these rigid standards towards others as well as myself. I am now aware that these standards were unrealistic and did not leave room for human imperfections or errors.
Based on my high standards, I found myself once again feeling betrayed by an incident that occurred with my aunt. We were on opposite sides of a situation involving two individuals that we both loved dearly. Once the dust settled, sides were taken and since we both felt strongly about our points of view, I chose to let go of the relationship with my aunt yet once again.
Over the next ten years there would be minimal contact with my aunt. Until the day I picked up my phone to my sister’s voice saying, “Auntie has terminal Cancer.” That’s all I heard on the other end of the phone. She has terminal cancer and wants to see you. Those were the words coming out of my sister’s mouth but I felt like I was in an echo chamber.
I felt like that scene in the movies when you get the bad news and everything moves in very slow motion. My heart felt like it was in my throat. My hands were wet & clammy. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes but I kept blinking them back. I felt like I was in a spinning cycle that would never end. She has terminal cancer…those were the words that kept ringing in my ears. And I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. I was numb. I was frozen with fear at the thought of seeing her under those circumstances. I thought how hypocritical can you be…you haven’t spoken in almost 10 years and now you want to cry? What the hell is wrong with you?
After the conversation with my sister I spent the remainder of day, beating myself up for being a cold hearted Bitch. At some point after talking with my husband I decided to call my aunt. At that time she was in the hospital and she always had a room full of visitors so making the call caused my anxiety level to rise because I didn’t know who would answer the phone. The thought was actually much worse than the actual call itself because there was no “why are you calling” response coming from the other end of the phone. It was quite the opposite.
Her voice was weak but I knew it was her and when I heard her voice the tears just started to flow and I couldn’t stop them. I cried like a baby and I could only get out six words through my tears & sobs, “Auntie, you know I love you right?”
Since that phone call my aunt has under gone many harsh rounds of chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant. I just saw her the other day & she’s in good spirits and we had a good conversation. I took pictures and got her on video. She has a long battle ahead of her but she’s a fighter and I want to be there giving her my strength the same way she did for me all those years ago.
I share this story to remind others that life is short. When we come into this world the clock starts running. Once time is gone you can never get it back so allow for mistakes, imperfections & everything in between….If I could go back over the last 10 years, my aunt and I would have reconciled and moved on and I would have been there when she needed me the most.
However, what I can do is live forward by living in the now and not in the past; I invite you to do the same.
*Side note: My aunt continues to fight strong and still winning her battle against cancer six later!
This was posted on the original Paths2transformation blogsite back in 2014. As we go through one of the hardest times of our human existence, with permission of the author “Latrice Love” I am re-sharing this post as the message is more resounding now than when it was originally written!
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